I Might Fail at Self-Esteem, But I Win at Banana Bread

Today, my trainer kicked my ass.

(Maybe if I don't mention how I haven't posted in 11 months, no one will notice.)

It was the kind of ass kicking that makes you feel powerful, because despite how hard it was, despite how much I wanted to quit...I didn't. I finished every last burpee, even if I cursed the whole time.

(If I mention it, I'm going to have to explain why I was gone for so long, and I'm not sure I know how to do that.)

Right after I did my last exercise of the day, struggling and shaking, I stood up. I was proud of myself. I am STRONG. Then it happened. I looked in the mirror. I didn't like what I saw. And, immediately, I started beating myself up mentally.

"You're so fat."

"Why can't you stop eating? You're working out so hard and ruining it with your diet."

"You are a failure."

(Hmm. These inner voices might have something to do with why I've been gone so long. I should note this for later.)

At first, I indulged these inner voices. I mentally wallowed in them. Despite all I had just accomplished, I believed them. On my drive home, it hit me.

Fuck those voices. No, really. FUCK THEM. Did those voices just work out their arms so hard they aren't going to be able to wash their hair tomorrow? No. Those voices are chilling in my brain, sipping martinis and watching season four of Breaking Bad five days early because those voices have it easy. All they have to do is hang out in my brain, festering until they see their opportunity to take me down, like Heisenberg tried to take down Tuco.

(Hey, at least I was gone for so long I could use Breaking Bad references in this post. Bright side!)

I'm done with those voices. Just as Heisenberg ultimately wasn't the one who took down Tuco, those voices aren't going to defeat me. Those voices are the things that caused me to gain this weight in the first place. Those voices aren't welcome here anymore.

(Maybe I took the Breaking Bad thing too far. JESSE PINKMAN, CALL ME. Ahem. Anyway.)

I have a broken relationship with food and my body. And I need to fix it, because this broken relationship is affecting everything else in my life. I'm not quite sure how to do it in the long run. Tonight it involved making banana bread. Not just banana bread, but the best damn banana bread I've ever made.

It seems counterintuitive, I know. Making food to solve your issues with food? But creating recipes is fun. Way more fun than assault and battery on your own emotions. So, if you're having a bad day, make this bread. Eat a piece. Don't feel guilty about it.

And then, the next day, do it again. Because this bread is delicious.

Tropical Banana Nut Bread

3/4 c. flour
3/4 c. whole wheat flour
3-4 ripe bananas
1 8oz. can crushed pineapple
1/3 c. unsweetened coconut
1/3 c. walnuts
1/2 c. sugar
1/4 c. coconut oil
1 egg
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. vanilla
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. salt

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a bowl, whisk together flours, baking soda, cinnamon and salt. Set aside.

In mixer, combine bananas, pineapple, coconut oil and sugar until incorporated. Add egg and vanilla. Slowly stir in flour mixture until just combined - don't overmix! Stir in walnuts and coconut.

Pour mixture into greased loaf pan and sprinkle additional nuts on top of loaf, because it's pretty and we like things that are pretty. Bake 45 minutes to an hour, until a tester comes out clean. (Optional: pull loaf out halfway through cooking time and top with shredded coconut for more pretty, pretty garnish.)

Cool in pan on a wire rack. Then EAT IT.

 

Side note: does anyone else's kitchen look like this when they bake?

I am a nightmare.

Comments

[page]

you are not alone my friend. you could be describing my life and my voices, my struggle.

[Pablo]

This post is AMAZING for so many reasons. I feel like your writing, which is always excellent, gets even better when it's personal. I wish I could write like you. Seriously. Thant Banana bread looks awesome, btw! I'm glad you're back on here!

[Pablo]

*That banana...see, I can barely type :-)

[Tom H]

While I can't stomach bananas--and by default banana bread--I CAN enjoy reading this post and commiserate. I had that mirror moment myself this morning. While food isn't my exact bane, the feeling is trhe same friend

[brandi@BranAppetit]

this sounds so good with the pineapple!

[Nea]

I am so with you. I get so angry at myself when I think how often I have gotten healthy, lost weight, only to gain it back. I will be disgusted with myself while I stop yet again to get a bagel with cream cheese...okay, not just the bagel, I get a cookie and sweet tea too! It is just not as simple as stopping, just STOP! It doesn't work for me and I feel like a failure.

BTW, the bread looks awesome. I love the idea of pineapples and coconut on top. Almost sounds like Hummingbird Bread, if there is such a thing. Yay for using coconut oil! This may be banana bread, but it is healthy version. We have started substituting honey for the sugar in ours since Mary eats it too.

[Lesley]

Oh Carrie, have you been reading my thoughts again? Yes, been there so many times, and even after a great workout I will do awful things like shower and then see myself and think "Why bother working out? Look at that stomach! You're never going to work it off! You're such a pig." Ugh. AWFUL! They discussed this topic on the radio because some study came out that said most women think bad things about their body 13 times a day. (Inner monologue: "Only 13? What the hell!? That would be awesome!") The only thing that *sort of* helps me is reminding myself that I would never criticize someone ELSE that way. Because those negative thoughts just go make me polish off half a bag of chips, or worse, a batch of cookies! Reallllllll productive. If you find the magic bullet, you be sure to let us know, k?

And yes, all our kitchens look like that while cooking. Worse, really, because I will use every inch of counter plus the table. And the floor gets flour-y.

p.s. I have missed your blog terribly. =(
p.p.s. Thanks for giving actual measurements in the recipe. I know it's hard for you!!!

[Sarah @ Sarah's Modern Bites]

Hi there! I have been trying to figure out how exactly I want to respond to your post for a few minutes here haha I don't think this is the perfect response or how I really wanted to respond but here goes...
You have a great voice and a lot of serious positive energy. I am SO glad you are back to blogging/sharing again. The work-out session you had combined with posting this tells me you're SERIOUS. The blogging community is super supportive and I think that combined with friends and family will give you that extra edge to beat down those voices so you can focus on YOU. I'm so happy I found your blog! I can totally identify with your words. And dude, I am TOTALLY making that banana bread this weekend! Baking is SO therapeutic!!

[Carrie]

Thanks for all of the support, everyone. It really means a lot!

Lesley, I think you hit the nail on the head. Why are we so willing to say things to ourselves we would never even THINK about someone else, let alone say out loud? It's insane.

Whenever we all hear these voices, we just need to tell them to fuck off. Deal?

[Carrie]

Nea, you are not a failure, look at all the wonderful things in your life! You bring the people around you so much joy. Thats something those voices can never take away.

[grietadiava]

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