I See Monsters

Be a Good Girl, You've Got to Try a Little Harder

Hi! Hi! Hi there! Hello!

So, yeah. It's been a long time since I've posted. At one point, it got so bad that two separate people asked me "Are you ever going to blog again?" I have to admit, my answer at the time was "I don't know." And I meant it. I log into Typepad all the time to write for Zap2it, and every time I logged in this page would mock me. "You have nothing to say," it scoffed, "and besides, you can't even post those pictures you promised about your trip across country! You suck!" Unfortunately, I sort of agreed. I did suck. I couldn't come up with anything clever to say and I couldn't even post something non-clever about my road trip because I never got around to figuring out how to download the pictures from my camera on the new computer I'd been using. If I couldn't do it right, I didn't want to do it at all.

Well, the other day I was reading a magazine article about the pursuit of perfection being a self-defeating prophecy, and it struck me. I don't have to be perfect, or clever, or funny, or on top of it. If I want to write I am going to write. So, therefore, I bring you this very non-perfect (unperfect? no - imperfect!) entry, bullet point style.

• My Nashville move is a done deal! I got there on Easter Sunday and have been spending the past month looking for a job, eating at delicious local restaurants, bothering Nea and Pablo, and playing Zuma. Nashville is a great place and I feel like it could be a good home for me. Now, I just need a darn job. If anyone knows someone who's looking in that area, give me a heads up! I need all the help I can get.
• Pablo and I went to an Okkervil River concert a few weeks ago and it was freaking amazing. At one point, they transitioned right from a killer version of "John Allyn Smith Sails" to an intense crowd singalong of "For Real," and I almost died of pure sonic pleasure. I know 99% of you don't know what I'm talking about, but for that 1% of you who does I just sort of blew your mind, didn't I? You're welcome.
• Right now I am in Florida (details to follow) and McDonald's is waging a hilarious campaign against Chick-Fil-A around here. They have all of these billboards promoting their "Southern style" chicken sandwiches and biscuits, with slogans like "All White Meat, All Week" and "Southern hospitality seven days a week." It's hilarious. (For those of you who aren't familiar with Chick-Fil-A, they are closed on Sundays.) Perhaps I find it so amusing because I am obsessed with Chick-Fil-A now that I live within driving distance of one again. Mmm...delicious. McDonald's, you suck, especially because the other day I was having a rough day (because I totally dented my car hard-core, because I'm an idiot) and I wanted one of your delicious ice cream cones. Did you have ice cream cones? Nooooo. Jerks. Fix your damn ice cream machine!
• I am in Florida because...drum roll please...I am going on a 16 day Transatlantic cruise! My mother has been booked to go on this cruise with some friends for a while, but the person she was planning to room with fell ill a few weeks ago and had to drop out so I got put in her place! Eeeeee! We leave Saturday from Miami and then travel to two places in the Canary Islands, Morocco, two places in Spain, Cannes, and Florence, ending in Rome. How awesome is this? Yes, I owe my mother far too much money now, but this was an opportunity I couldn't pass up. I'm a bit concerned about the first seven days at sea (seven!) but I figure I can always drink if I start to get stir crazy. Ah, $6 daiquiris. I have a feeling my bar bill is going to be quite steep at the end of the journey. I promise to take lots of pictures and actually figure out how to get them off of my camera and onto this site.

Well, that's about it. I apologize for not posting comments on any of your sites - I haven't opened my Google Reader once in Nashville! I'm sort of afraid of it now. My goal when I return - to catch up on what all of you are doing. See you in three weeks!

Come on Get Down with the Sickness

I have that mutant flu virus of death that is currently kicking the ass of 50% of America. Normally I would wax poetic about how awful I feel, but chances are everyone reading this godforsaken entry already has it and knows just how unbelievably terrible it is. In case you're one of the lucky few to escape this madness, just know that this is some serious 28 Days shit. I would not be surprised if I woke up tomorrow and had the taste for blood and brains and could move really fast and had the all-consuming desire to bleed into your orifices. (Hey, at least if I'm going to be a zombie I'm not one of those old-school, slow, STUPID zombies who are always mumbling about brains. I am such a bright-sider.)

However, I was not such a bright-sider this morning when I was sitting on the floor of my shower willing myself the strength to stand up. Seriously, I was so wiped from my cleansing ritual I had to sit on my bed for 15 minutes and watch The O.C. while I regained my strength. It's a tough life. (Another brightside moment, though? Half-assedly blow drying my hair out of exhaustion made for some superior tresses today, at least in the front. The back looks like something Amy Winehouse would reject as too ratty, but the part framing my face is stylin'.) (Un-brightsiding: the cold sore on my lip is not so stylin'. Ew.)

Anyway, since all I could do for three days was sleep and then not be able to sleep because I was too busy moaning about how uncomfortable I was, I inevitably watched a lot of TV. And now I have something to say about it, as I am wont to do:

• I deleted my Nip/Tuck season pass. I just don't care anymore. Freedom, hooray! But I will miss Bradley Cooper. And Kimber.
• I watched like 14 episodes of The O.C. I had saved up on my Tivo. Dear Sweet Baby Jesus, I love season one of that show. The season finale when Ryan leaves and Seth sails away and they play "Hallelujah"? Gives me crying fits like nothing else. Guys, it is really hard to cry like a loon when you have a wicked cough. It comes out as some sort of cry/cough/gag/dry heave. Not. Pretty.
• Still on The O.C. tip, the second time around I am enjoying Ryan FAR more than Seth. Seth is a self-involved, selfish little jerk most of the time. How did I not notice this before? I think the spell of The Brody finally wore off. Perhaps it's just because I love it when Ryan smiles and he doesn't do it very often. It's like a special treasure.
• I'm still fever-ish. Please ignore me.
• I can't wait until season four when we get funny Ryan.
• God, am I still talking about The O.C.? Shut up, sicky.
• On last night's The Wire I BAWLED at Randy's appearance. The system sure did chew him up and spit him out, huh? I loved Randy the most. I am sad.
• If you haven't seen The Wire, please rent it from the beginning and watch. If you're a patient viewer, it's the most rewarding show in the history of television. Trust. It's amazing.
• I like Lipstick Jungle. So sue me. Those women are far more likable than the Cashmere Mafia set, and the young hot piece that Kim Raver is sexin' is freaking fantastic looking. He's like a nouveau Ben Covington. Hot, hot, hot.
• I watched Kiss Kiss Bang Bang in the midst of my highest fever state. I liked it, I think. It was really hard to follow (because of the fever, I hope). All I know is that a dog ate a finger and Shannyn Sossamon was the daughter who wasn't the daughter who wore pink wigs and Val Kilmer played a ruthless gay private detective and was pretty funny. Also, there was a weird scene with a spider and a bra but I might have hallucinated that part. Oh, and Corbin Bersen was in it maybe? I definitely think I hallucinated that part. Right? I mean, Corbin Bernsen.
• Yesterday when I finally felt human enough to get out of bed (but not better, oh no, god forbid I actually kick this thing) I went to my internet and saw this:

(Full story at Give Me My Remote. This was just for the pretty picture.)

And, well, when I get to have Pacey 1) potentially on my TV screen every week in a lead role; 2) in a $10 million pilot co-written by J.J. Abrams and two awesome writers from Alias, Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci and directed by Alex Graves of Journeyman; and 3) in a pilot that is being described as X-Files-ish? Well, fuck me three ways from Sunday. Being sick doesn't matter when life is this good.

My Head is a Box Full of Nothing

It's really hard to blog when there's nothing interesting going on in your life.  So, in order to blog about something, I thought I'd write about everything I did today.  To illustrate how uninteresting my life truly is.  For your own sanity, I suggest you stop reading now.  Here goes:

1.  Woke up.
2.  Watched last night's episode of Men in Trees.
3.  Watched UM get their butts handed to them by OSU while I waited for the air conditioning man to come do his annual inspection on our system.
4.  Ate a granola bar.
5.  Went to the mall with Em Dogg, where I purchased far too many fun products from Bath & Body Works.  I've got enough coconut and grapefruit scented things to last me through the long hard California winter now.
6.  Came home, drank a beer.
7.  Went to dinner with LL Cool A, Webster's Dad and Sluggo.  Drank another beer.
8.  Ate too much food.
9.  Came home and kicked LL Cool A's ass in the state game while drinking a beer.  (Don't ask what the state game is, because although it is really fun to play, when you explain it to people it sounds LAME.)
10.  Bought that song "Apologize" on iTunes.  ("It's too late, to apologize...it's too late!"  Love it.)
11.  Wrote this blog entry
12.  Now I'm going to bed. 

Don't say I didn't warn you about how uninteresting that was going to be.  Goodnight, and good luck.  May tomorrow be more interesting, or at least filled with more beer than today was.

Odds and Ends

1. I am on a summer movie kick right now.  In the past two weeks I've seen Shrek 3, Pirates 3, Once, Knocked Up and Bug.  Of those, I only recommend Knocked Up and Once, which are both beautiful movies in completely different ways.  Bug is freaking strange.  Shrek & Pirates are...as expected.  You know, sequel-y.  Next on my list: Oceans 13 and Waitress. 
2. I obviously haven't learned my sequel lesson yet, and probably never will because even after the disappointing sequels I've seen so far I am still reasonably psyched for Live Free or Die Hard.  One - that's a fantastically cheesy title.  Two - that shot in the trailer where the car flies through the air and crashes over Bruce Willis and Justin Long's head is badass.  Three - Timothy Olyphant as a bad guy.  Enough said.
3. I love candy.    (Actually, the truth is I love sugar in any form and candy is the best way to shove loads and loads of sugary goodness into my mouth.)  Specifically, I love sour gummy candy. I know this may be blasphemy for some, but at the movies I would much rather munch on Sour Patch Kids than a big hunk of chocolate or a bag of popcorn.  Those bulk candy stores with the different kind of sour gummy fruits?  Heaven.  Except for when I get to the cash register and realize I've spent $19 on candy.  Anyway, the other day at the movies I got a bag of Sour Skittles, which I've only had once before and enjoyed.  They were delicious, but the next morning I woke up and the insides of my mouth were completely torn up.  It was like I chewed on glass and then rinsed out the shards with a mouthwash made of battery acid.  I'm pretty whatever sour acid nonsense they put on the outside of those Sour Skittles ate away at the lining of my cheeks.  My sour-loving friends, avoid the Sour Skittles at all costs, because that is scary.  My poor cheeks are still recovering.
4. Indulge me while I complain a bit.  When I got my job at Big Time Movie Studio, I was excited because our lot has a cafeteria with a salad bar.  I adore salad bars.  Salad bars (and also dessert bars because, you know, the sugar) are the main reason I like buffets.  After working here for about a month and enjoying the luxury of a salad every day at lunch, our lot switched to a different vendor for its food service.  Ever since then, the salad bar sucks.  They took away any sort of prepared salads like pasta salad and coleslaw.  The containers got smaller, but the price stayed the same.  On top of that, the new containers are these weird plastic bowl things that tip over every time you try to stab your lettuce with a fork.  Annoying.  Worst of all, they got rid of the turkey on the salad bar.  Now the only protein options are tuna (which I hate on salads) and tofu.  That's right, TOFU.  I'm sorry, but cubed chunks of mushy tofu are not my idea of a good salad topping.  Now when I get a salad I go meatless (and soy-less) which is not filling and ultimately not satisfying in the least.  I don't want to pay $7 for a dinky little salad with no meat on it!  My dream of a salad every day for lunch is ruined.  Now I just go over to the hot food side and eat french fries every day and get fatter by the minute in protest.  That'll show 'em.
5. I still cut up those plastic thingies that hold 6 packs of soda and beer together in fear they will make it into the estuaries and strangle some poor turtle.  I have no idea if this is still a valid fear.  Every time I do it I feel a little ridiculous, like Sara Rue's character in Can't Hardly Wait.  (BAAAA.)
6. I think it's pretty amazing how those crazy Jericho fans brought the show back from the dead by sending tens of thousands of pounds of nuts to CBS.  I heard they spent $40,000 in total!  And I thought it was extreme when Veronica Mars fans spent a measly $5,000 to fly a plane over The CW headquarters last year.  That is some serious Jericho love right there.  I am a fan of this sometimes-ridiculous, sometimes-awesome show and was sad it went out on such a cliffhanger, so I am happy to have it back.  However, I will not forgive them for killing Major Dad.  Major Dad was awesome.  Really, they should have killed the blond chick instead because she is deathly boring.  She's so boring I can't even remember her character's name.  (I say this as I call Gerald McRaney "Major Dad."  Heh.)  At least Heather is back.  She's the only one with half a brain in that town.  She made ice out of fertilizer and water, people.  Now that's thinking.
7. When we saw Knocked Up at the Grove, we spotted Entourage's Emanuelle Chriqui and Step Up & She's the Man star Channing Tatum in line right in front of us.  You guys.  Channing Tatum talks, acts and dresses just like his character in Step Up.  It's kind of hilarious.  He is still hot as fire, though, as long as his mouth is shut.
8. I am taking care of Alo and J&J's dog Hana this week.  Hana is the cutest damn dog ever, but I feel so sorry for her when I show up at the door.  She looks all happy until she realizes it's me and sort of droops.  I am obviously a poor substitute for her awesome owners.  However, after a few days she warms up and is very friendly and sweet and we have a grand old time.  Probably because she knows I can open the can of food and box of treats.  Oh, and Alo?  You need to get some new TV on DVD box sets.  What fun is it to come over when you aren't there and steal your DVDs when you don't have anything I haven't already seen?

Such A Shame, This Eagerness To Change

Yesterday I found out my office is going to be doing some business with the High School Musical folks.  Some of you might not be aware of this phenomenon, but High School Musical is quite the sensation with the tweener set.  Also, it is quite the sensation with me.  I love this stupid little movie and it's teeny bopper soundtrack like nobody's business.  I told my boss this, which led to an awkward conversation during which I realized she was pretty damn flabbergasted I could love something so terrible, and be open and honest about it.

This got me thinking.  Why are people so afraid to own up to liking things that are considered "bad" by the masses?  I, myself, have never had this problem.  I have absolutely no shame, and feel no reason to hide the fact that I do things like watch my Dawson's Creek DVDs on a regular basis.  I love Pacey and Joey, and I don't care who knows it.  So there!  I don't think that liking something bad takes anything away from my intelligence or enjoyment of more intellectual pursuits.  Sometimes, you just want to watch the stupid TV show and turn off your brain, you know?

In honor of having no shame, I am going to list a few things that I like, but should probably be ashamed of liking.  I know, I am so brave coming out to all of you anonymous internet denizens.  Just know that if I met you face to face I would admit these same things, and proudly.  It's part of my charm.  Or, you know, not.  Without further ado, I give you...

Things I Love That I Probably Should Be Ashamed Of, But I'm Just Not:
High School Musical, Dave Matthews Band, A Walk to Remember, Britney Spears (yes, even now), Mandy Moore (in any incarnation of actress or singer), Armageddon, that one Nickelback song about the pictures, Wildfire, She's the Man, Dawson's Creek, Kyle XY, singing "Sister Christian" at karaoke, karaoke, One Tree Hill, a few Ashlee Simpson and Avril Lavigne songs, the Harry Potter book series, Cruel Intentions, Hope Floats, the greatest hits of Journey, REO Speedwagon, Styx and Air Supply, chain restaurants, The Notebook, Kelly Clarkson, Can't Hardly Wait, The Hills, The Girls Next Door, those cell phone commercials about people's "Top 5."

There it is.  I'm sure there are many, many more embarrassing things I am forgetting.  If I think of them I'll throw them in the comments.

What embarrassing things are you willing to admit to an anonymous internet full of strangers?  Don't worry, this is a safe place.  Besides, there's no way they are worse than mine.  Unless they are Creed.  Then, you're on your own. 

But It Don't Snow Here, It Stays Pretty Green

It snowed in Malibu and West L.A. today.

SNOWED.

That is just crazy.

(Okay, this pic is a cheat because it is from a little bit higher ground, but it cracks me up -- it is so perfectly L.A. to have a silver Mercedes sliding all over the road.  I can just imagine the driver with their Bluetooth headset on screaming, "What is all this white substance on the road!  Why won't my car steer properly!  Call my assistant, have her get me a new car, this one is broken!)

So This is the New Year, and I Don't Feel Any Different

Happy New Year, everyone!  I hope it finds you well.  Unfortunately, I am not so well as of late.  The job search is still fruitless and I am coming up on almost one year without a steady paycheck.  I interviewed for two great jobs in December and didn't get either of them, and the toll of the search and the lack of income is finally getting to me. 

I suppose I'm having a bit of a third-life crisis, which was brought on by 1) getting rejected from a job I could have done in my sleep basically because I hadn't worked in so long, and that freaked the company out, like, thanks for punishing me for having a tough time of it, ASSES, and 2) a line in a book I read.  I'm paraphrasing, but it said something like "I realized that I spent my entire life having things happen to me.  I had never actually made anything happen."  It was much more eloquently stated, of course, but this sentiment struck me so profoundly and it's caused visions of "The Life That Sould've Been" to dance in my head.  Nonstop.  And I don't know how to get them out. 

I'm considering several options for my future paths, none of which I feel comfortable talking about yet, but any suggestions or advice anyone out there has would be greatly appreciated.  I just need a change, a big one, and soon.  I think it might just save my life, or at least my quality of life. 

Well, that was depresso.  I'll be back shortly with postings that are decidedly more fun -- my top albums of 2006 and favorite TV episodes of 2006.  Until then, my friends.

I WILL Be Happy

Since I found out I didn't get that job, I've been in a bit of a funk.  Not good.  Then this weekend, Florida State almost lost to Troy, the Bucs got SPANKED by Baltimore, and I lost my VVB fantasy football game to LL Cool A by .57 points.  .57 POINTS.  That didn't help my mood one bit. 

In order to make myself feel better, I am going to list ten things making me happy right now.  Always look on the bright side of life, you know?

Ten Reasons To Be Happy

1. Willie Nelson, Ryan Adams and Neko Case at the Hollywood Bowl last night.  So awesome.  Neko has a beautiful, beautiful voice.  Ryan was in a rockin' sort of mood and played mostly songs from Cold Roses and Jacksonville City Nights as well as some covers and new songs, with more of a rock edge than on the albums.  After a bit of a false start he was off and running.  Amazing.  The two older couples in front of EmD and I did NOT appreciate his music, however.  They were covering their ears the entire time and making me laugh, all up until the point where after I cheered for Ryan one of the ladies said "Please stop screaming in my ear."  The what?  First of all, I wasn't cheering that loud, lady.  Second of all, IT'S A CONCERT.  After that, I got dirty looks whenever anyone around me cheered, like I was the only one in our 2,000 seat section cheering.  I know you are supposed to respect your elders, but, hate.  Then Willie came on and made me all better.  He's so cool, you guys.  I wish I were one thousandth as cool as Willie Nelson.  Also, I get to see him again in six days!  Woo!
2. These hilarious breakup letters fans wrote to their former favorite shows and sent in to Entertainment Weekly.  I have written almost all of the shows featured a breakup letter in my head at one time or another...but I can never bring myself to actually break it off.  What can I say, I am weak.  My favorite was one a non-fan wrote to Two and a Half Men: "I don't understand what other people see in you, and I'm frankly worried you are so popular. To me, you're just a slut with nothing new to say. I hope you go away."  Ha!
3. I leave for Austin City Limits in three days.  The magnitude of how awesome this is cannot be calculated by known mathematical formulas.  I need some super duper alien math or something.
4. Tofutti Cutie "ice cream" sandwiches.  For the lactose intolerant person in all of us!
5. My new dental hygienist, Andy.  I know this may sound trivial in the scheme of things, but the last few I've had have been a bit...well...Russian and scary, so he is a welcome change.  He's young, and personable, and he let me know that I've been brushing my teeth wrong my entire life!  My gums could start receding because I brush wrong!  How can I possibly be 29 years old and not know this?  Andy is the best.
6. NFL/college football.  Yes, it makes me sad.  But it makes me happy, too.
7. The new Rolling Stone with Justin Timberlake on the cover.  My friends, he's bringing SexyBack.  OK, I'm officially sick of that joke now.  I had to make it myself to realize it is over.  I'm not sick of the song, though!
8. My cat Shegos is a weirdo.  She loves to get on top of the refrigerator and beg for you to pet her by meowing a lot and banging her head and body on the cabinets above the fridge.  Petting her up there is difficult, because it is hard to reach her, which I kind of think is her whole point of going up there.  Like I said, weirdo.  Well, the other night she was rolling around on there and when I went over to pet her she got so excited that she rolled right off the fridge!  I've been waiting for that to happen for a while, and it didn't disappoint.  Oh, she freaked herself out.  Oh, how I laughed.  (Of course she was OK.  I would never be happy if she hurt herself!)
9. Did I mention Austin City Limits?  Yeah.  Well, my friend Pablo got us tickets for an after show featuring Okkervil River and deadboy & the elephantmen.  Pablo?  You rock.
10. I'm going home next month for my best friend's baby shower, and my other two best friends will be there as well.  Also, I will get to see my niece!  Always a reason for joy.

I'm not sure I could come up with an 11th reason to be happy if I tried.  I need to work on that.

I'm Lovin' It

The coolest thing, like, EVER just happened to me.  I was hurrying back to Disney Affiliated Film Company from an interview (*crossing fingers*, it was a good one) and I rolled through the McDonald's drive-thru to grab a much needed Diet Coke.  Large, of course.  When they rang it up, it came to FIFTY NINE CENTS.

FIFTY NINE CENTS!

I don't know if this is some sort of promotion or just a computer glitch, but it was awesome.  Everyone go to the Mickey D's on Santa Monica near Westwood for cheap Diet Coke goodness!   

Man.  If I get that job this will be the best day of my life.

Everything I Ever Needed To Know, I Learned From Seinfeld

Today I had a life-imitating-art sort of moment.  I was finishing my lunch at a fast food Japanese restaurant and I had to go to the restroom.  No big deal.  I started discarding my food and putting my tray on the trash bin when I realized that, if I wanted to keep my Diet Coke, I would have to take it into the bathroom.  Cue this immediate neurotic conversation inside my head:

"Dude.  You can't go into the bathroom with your Diet Coke.  People will think you're gross."

"DUDE.  Get over it, and go in there.  This is Diet Coke from a fountain.  Precious, liquid gold.  Who cares what people think?  Throwing it away is NOT an option."

"Ugh.  You're gross.  If I go in there, my Diet Coke will be swimming with bathroom germs.  This isn't like George Costanza's book.  I HAVE TO PUT PART OF THIS IN MY MOUTH.  Also, I fear a bookstore employee-level reaction as I exit the john."

"I don't understand.  You are, like, the least germaphobic person ever.  You will remove a bug from a restaurant salad and continue to eat like nothing is wrong.  What is your deal?  GO TO THE FUCKING BATHROOM ALREADY AND TAKE YOUR FUCKING DIET COKE WITH YOU, YOU FUCKING PUSSY."

Yeah, sometimes I have to scare myself into action.  So I went to the bathroom.  Everything was fine, no one looked at me funny.  I am currently enjoying my bathroom germ-laced Diet Coke as I type this. 

If I later come down with some unexplainable deadly disease, though, please point the doctors in the right direction.  Thanks.